This business of living

by Bendangienla Jamir on Monday, October 31, 2011 at 4:22am
(This is originally a note I wrote on Facebook)

Sucked up in the marathon of life and unsuccessfully attempting to articulate a foolproof plan for the future, I wonder why life can’t be simple. Life seems to be getting more complicated by the day- passions and dreams on the brink of turning to ashes and relationships familial or otherwise taking the strenuous path. No doubt, a litany of inadequacies in me contributes to my present woes but I try to rise above it all. Uncomplainingly I walk the extra mile only to realise at the end of the day that everybody’s not the same and life certainly isn’t fair, a conclusion which does very little to assuage my affliction leaving me the choice of either being ‘bitchy’ or ‘greedy’ and since neither options sit well with me, I leave myself vulnerable to emotional battery all over again.

Most people would call it a foolhardy attitude but I’m not one to trample on other people’s sensitivities just to take a shot at living. They say, ‘what goes around comes around’ and though I’ve rarely borne witness to such incidents I’m still naive enough to believe in it. I have a friend who constantly tells me to the point of badgering that I need to think for myself and act on it because life isn’t the one I view through rose tinted glasses. She says, ‘What’s wrong with you? How can you be so naive? You have to look out for yourself because no one is going to do it for you. Why do you put yourself on the line every time?’ Such strong statements you would think, would harden my resolve but no, I remain unreformed. Although she means well, her harsh tone of advice is like a drizzle that wets the surface of parched lands without really soaking it because for a minute, I nod my head interspersed with my vocal assents  of yeses only to negate it by the statement I make next and one that doesn’t fail to confound her. ‘Yes, I know. I should learn by now. I believe goodness in man is inherent and no matter how bad a person is, there’s still hope of redemption, don’t you think so?’ Our conversation on this matter has never progressed beyond my classical answer. Despite the  awful number of times I’m disappointed, depressed, hurt, humiliated or even cry in life, I know I’ll always be a sucker who believes in the goodness of mankind for, there are those infrequent times when I feel loved and my work appreciated, the infrequent smiles brought on by thoughtful gestures and kind words all add to the worth of what I call ‘life’. Life after all is a long and winding road and no one has it easy and I for one, wouldn’t give up on living a life well lived even when I’m dealt a bad hand.

Despite my doubts, I hold on….braving my fears I try my best to stand tall and when at times I get close to being drowned that fragile reed of hope keeps me afloat amid the complications and confusions; when I meander and lose my way in the maze, its that beacon of hope that lights the way and living becomes a colourful  proposition.

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